My friend Ian was a really quiet kid in high school, when I met him. I never remember him being ridiculous or crazy, just always a quiet and highly sarcastic kid. In college he sort of went buck wild- Tucker Max wild. Every weekend he usually has some story, usually of the sexual nature, and I always end up laughing for a good 2o minutes over them. I figured that I needed to chronicle these for posterity- in about 5 years when he is married to some L.L. Bean-wearing bitch I will remind him of these nights.

Ian: did i tell you i lost my debit card this past friday?

Ian: like…i had NO idea where it had gone

Ian: it was gone, lost, nada, cancelled, ordered a new one

Ian: the girl who went down on me that night took it!

Ian: she like…must have freakin opened my wallet and taken it out

Me: i was about to joke that you left it with the hooker

Ian: i don’t think she meant to steal it, but i saw her at the bar last night and she handed it to me and was like ‘…um, i found this in my laundry’

Ian: but i would definitely pay twenty bucks for a bj of that quality

Ian: hahahah the next night, listen to what i said to her

Ian: i don’t remember saying this, but i was mildly blacked out

Ian: i said to her something like ‘listen, come back to my place. i’m too drunk and tired to have sex, but if you’re willing to go down on me i think we can work something out’

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Ian: and the girl i had sex with last night, i made her sleep in tyler’s bed… because she wouldn’t shut up and let me go to sleep… i woke up and was like ‘yessss, she isn’t here’… then i looked at tyler’s bed and remembered

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Ian: another girl, whom i had hooked up with earlier this semester

Ian: she’s french

Ian: i saw her at a party last night, and she threw 4 cups of water at me

Ian: like…in anger, in front of everyone else