You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2007.

PK sent me the link to a website that had this short story written by Hunter S. Thompson, published in 1961 in Rogue magazine. I skimmed it, was intrigued, then reread it. And reread it again. I’ve probably read it some dozen times since then. Something about the casual insinuation of infidelity, the quickened jealousy. Such a familiar feeling in such an unfamiliar place.

 “When do we leave?”
“Monday at dawn, Bring your gear aboard tomorrow and we’ll get it stowed away.”
Laurenson stood up. “Good. We’d better get back to the hotel and pack.” He picked up his camera and started toward the hatch, stooping low to keep from banging his head.
His wife was already on the ladder. Halfway up, she turned and looked back. “It’s nice of you to take us along, Mr. Maier. I hope we won’t be any trouble.”
The skipper stood up. “Not at all – and don’t call me Mr. Maier. My name’s Chick.”
Laurenson smiled and helped his wife up the ladder to the deck, where a small fellow with a new growth of beard was patching a sail. He looked up: “You decided to make the trip?”
“Yes,” Laurenson replied. “Should be quite an adventure.”
The skipper lifted himself through the hatch and stood beside them in the hot Caribbean sun. “You may change your mind before we get there,” he said. “Two weeks at sea is a long time.”
“I think well love it,” said Anne. Read the rest of this entry »


Woke up to a phone call from the lovely Jen. She was telling me some crazy story about how she brought home the guy that she’s been sort of dating for awhile, but that she was sobering up and realizing how much she couldn’t stand him. She said that he was obnoxious, that she just wanted him to shut up the whole time. She pretended to fall asleep or something like that, and then in the morning woke early and threw on work clothes, woke him up stammering some story about how she had to get to work. On a Saturday. At 7 or so in the morning. I felt terrible for laughing, imagining how this guy must have realize what was really going on. Oh Jenny…

Fell back asleep, woke up again to my mother calling. To tell me that they bought a new car. Well, not new. My parents both have Ford SUVs, but last month when they were in Florida they were driving around a Sebring convertible. Decided that they wanted one of them, so they up and bought one today. They traded in my first car too because we’ve been looking to sell it and the dealership took it as a downpayment. I don’t really know how I feel about all of this.

Figured that since I was up I’d call Nick and grab brunch. We bought muffins and walked down to the river to eat them. Sat and talked while watching the fishermen on the dock. He told me that he had been over at a friend’s house with Lars, that they had been talking about Nat. Apparently Nat had not even mentioned to Lars that I had been over there the other night, I guess to skip over the fact that he had hit on me. Nick seems to think that Lars would be furious over it.

Went back home, grabbed the pup and walked her down to the river while it was still early. Let her jump of the dock for about an hour (and roll in a pile of dead fish) before heading home. I think I was sort of angry with Nat- I sent Lars a message saying I was going to drop off his sweatshirt. Their house is only about two blocks away, so I grabbed the sweatshirt (which I had borrowed from his room when I was there the other night) and took it over. He was really strange when he answered the door, kind of cold. I asked if Nat was there and he said “Why do you want to see Nat so bad?” I sort of slinked away, went up and hid in the labs for a few hours to work on my politics paper. Then met up with Nick again to watch some tv.

Nine o’clock when Nick dropped me back off at home and I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to meet a friend for drinks. Well, actually a sort of double-date deal. She had met this guy, who wanted his friend to come, so she invited me along as well. He was actually really cute, but I just wasn’t really interested. He and his friend are both in a fraternity at a nearby college, and they just kept telling fraternity stories. Don’t get me wrong, nothing against guys in fraternities, but I was just looking for more than that. Still, I gave him my email address and a hug. Maybe meet up again and if it doesn’t change, just say that I don’t feel anything.

Maybe I’m crazy in this, but looks are pretty much low in my list of characteristics that I’m looking for. I need intelligence, I need humor. I need to feel challenged, I need to laugh. I just didn’t feel it here. PK was instant, the guy from class was instant.

I’ve also recently fallen in love with the marketplace website Etsy. Recently purchased this necklace:

Make A Wish

These are the ones that I love and will probably end up getting:

 Hammered Hoops   necklace-5.jpg   necklace-3.jpg   lily-necklace.jpg

I also want to find some pieces for Mer, Jen, and Beck. Jenny is probably the easiest to shop for- she looks great with the chunky bead necklaces, ones in natural colors. Becky tends to go for a more dangly, romantic and gothic look. She looks beatiful with the Victorian-style jewelry. Meredith sort of switches back and forth- she wears simple, classic jewelry during the day but usually something complex when going out. Will have to keep looking for her, she will definitely be the hardest.

Went over to Ajay’s house yesterday afternoon. He’s my landlord so I was expecting it to be strange but it was actually a lot of fun.  I took Willa to play with his three dogs; we launched tennis balls and sticks into his huge backyard and let them wear each other out while we chatted.

Hung out with Nat last night, which was a lot of fun. We made a bonfire out in his back yard and roasted marshmallows over them and made s’mores. He made jack & cokes that were ridiculously strong and we just talked, which was really nice. It started raining and got cold so we headed in to watch some movies in his room. Got a little awkward at one point, he sort of had other intentions than watching the movie. I declined and all, and hope that we can just forget it happened. I’m scratching that one off to him being drunk, though Nick’s been telling me for awhile that Nat feels that way. As does his roomate. I think I handled it well, told him that I wasn’t really looking to be dating anyone and we watched the rest of the movie. He came over to shower this morning and apologized, so I think it will go back to normal.

Got home from Nat’s kinda late last night (so late that the crotchety old woman that lives above me was glaring out her window when I pulled up out front of the house- she never sleeps, rather watches over me and reports my doings to my landlord).  The guy from class messaged me the second I got home, asking me why I didn’t come to his band’s show. Definitely put me off a bit- we had just had the talk a few days ago about how he needs to tone it down and he agreed, which I took as him not being interested. He seemed sort of upset, said that he looked for me in the crowd. I mentioned that I had heard his band when Nick and I took Willa jumping off the docks- he said that he wanted to come with me sometime to take Willa swimming. I am going crazy trying to figure this guy out.

Also still going crazy with the PK bit. I keep going back and forth about him, and I’m thinking I shouldn’t be so uncertain about him. This really could go two ways- I could walk away from it all (well, force myself to) and get over him. This might result in me later realizing how toxic he was for me, how we weren’t a good fit, or it could result in me forever wishing I had fought for us to work. The other option is to wait him out, continue to be there. We could end up together like I want, have all of those idealistic thoughts come true. Or he could completely take this to his advantage and treat me wrong.

For now I’m going to do the whole strong-woman bit, give myself time to get over him and see if it works (it hasn’t in the past). What I think is really driving me towards this is that, when we were arguing, he said that us breaking off again wouldn’t really impact him- that nothing would change. I’d like to think that he was lying to try to make it easier on me, but in any case I still don’t respect him for saying it.

I had a talk with that guy from class the other night. Basically told him that I like him, but that I know he has a girlfriend so that he should stop treating me the way that he does because it is giving me the wrong impression. I think he was sort of upset by it because he just said “ok, I understand” and we left it at that. I was thinking that that would sort of be the end of our contact, but he messaged me last night to talk. And then after class today he came over while I was packing up and said that he wanted to talk. I’m not sure what to expect out of it, but I don’t want to get tangled up with a guy who is already in a relationship.

Thesis is completely turned in. I think my acknowledgements section is my favorite because I really only mentioned the people who mean the most to me- my parents and brother, my three girls from home, and PK. It’s weird thinking that he probably won’t read it though. I know I’m going to talk to him again, but I just don’t know when. I have to stop myself every few hours from calling him. I think I’m going to end up in New York anyway- My friend Adam and I were talking about getting a place yesterday. He wants to go to John Jay, so we’re both sort of going into the same field. He’d be a lot of fun to live with, and it’s not anything more than just being friends so it would be fine.

My peace conference is also over, even though I still have the 15 to 20 page paper to write. I also have an exam for the class on the same day, so I’m going to be completely burned out this weekend. I figure I will force myself to write a good portion of it tomorrow night, maybe burrow in the labs for a few hours.

I promised tonight that I would hang out with my friend Nat. He called me yesterday to tell me that he got suspended from school. He lives in a house with two other guys- my ex Lars and one of their fraternity brothers Rory. The house is being demolished at the end of the month, so they’ve sort of let it go (more than a bit). I’m not really sure exactly what happened, but Nat shot a hole through Rory’s wall while Rory was away. It seemed pretty funny, Nat covered the gaping hole with some painted plywood boards. Their landlord said that, despite the house being demolished, they would have to repair everything to original condition. Nat planned on doing so. But the other night he and Rory got into an argument. Rory said he was going to move out, Nat told him to go ahead. Rory moved out, called his mother to complain. Then told the school about the hole in the wall incident. The school then had Nat escorted to the Dean’s office, he was officially suspended with the allowance of finishing out the year. Every time he comes to campus he needs to calling Public Safety to notify them of his whereabouts. His water had also been turned off by his landlord so he had been showering at their fraternity house- now he’s going to be coming here every morning to shower.

I feel really bad for him. I mean, the hole in the wall was pretty extreme, but suspending him? Rory’s parents are even considering getting lawyers involved. If Nat gets evicted, he’s coming to live here with me for the remainder of the year. I understand that this is in the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings so the school is being wary of guns (they did confiscate his gun), but we live in an area where a good portion of the students have guns- it’s sort of a hunting area. I’m even going with a kid tomorrow when he buys his new rifle.

On a final note, I got my new Ipod today. It looks like this:


…Yeah, it’s not working so far. I need that procedure from Eternal Sunshine

I was sort of offered a position in Washington D.C. I don’t think I will be taking it. For one, it provides housing and I wouldn’t be able to have Willa with me. I’m not sure that this is exactly what I want, so I will give it more time and wait to see what else surfaces. I really want to take the NYPD exam and have my interview before I jump into other jobs.

Had another break-off with PK last night. Have been arguing with myself about this for days and it continued last night even after we stopped talking. Everything is just too soon or too late. Distance isn’t a matter for me, I love him and want to be with him. I’m about to graduate now- at this time last year he was just as emotionally unstable as I am now. Except that I was there for him, I talked to him about it. I need time to think, detoxify of him. Why can’t it just be good?

Turned in thesis yesterday. So glad to have that bit out of the way even though I do have my oral defense next Wednesday. But I’m not too worried about that, as I’ve heard rumors that I may be the only person in our class to have gotten significant results from data. What I am worried about, though, is this major mock peace conference that I have today. It’s for my Middle Eastern Politics class and we’re expected to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The guy representing Egypt bugs me; keeps joking that he will just declare war during it which will affect all of our grades. As Egypt, I’m basically requesting a return to the green lines, dimilitarized zones, no use of the Allon Plan, and the formation of a Palestinian State. I’m meeting beforehand with two other girls from class representing Arab states as well, Jordan and Syria, and we’re going to do a prelim plan for our resolutions. Should be really interesting.

 Now if I could just get my head off of PK so I could solve the Middle Eastern conflict…

Had a fairly good day yesterday. Met my friend Nick for breakfast downtown- we got croissants and walked down to the dock on the river, sat there eating and throwing sticks in for Willa. She does these cute belly flops off of the dock and swims like a baby seal. Had a great time just talking with Nick too- at one point he brought up how much he was going to miss me after we graduate. Nick and I have been pretty close for the past few years. I used to spend all of my time with those boys- Steve, Nat, Lars, Nick. I meet up with him atleast once a week for breakfasts or lunches, wish I could keep doing that even after I leave.

I went to the labs to work for a few hours. I’m about 29/30ths done my thesis, just have to figure out how to do one last type of analysis. I downloaded the Pinkerton album on the school computer and must have listened to it three or four times through. Decided it was too nice to stay cooped up, so I packed up and headed back home. Grabbed Willa, threw her in the car and drove out to Cliff City. Windows down, music playing, dog’s ears and lips flapping in the wind. We spent the afternoon with me throwing sticks for her, her bellyflopping in the water and romping with other dogs.

Came back, got a call from Nat. We decided on a night of mojitos, so I jumped in my car again to run to the store- except some kid had drunkenly passed out in the middle of the street. Cops had decided it would be smart to line one whole side of the street with 6- seriously- cop cars and an ambulance, blocking my driveway. I waited for a bit, got a call from some other people saying that they were at Andy’s and were drunk and didn’t want to drive back-I said I’d drive them. Saw a cop returning to her car. I went to go talk to her, asked her if she could just move her car back two feet so I could sneak my car out. She got incredibly angry with me, asked if I was too blind to see that there was a situation occuring. The kid was already standing and walking around, but still needed twenty cops standing around him. I would have gone back to my car, but then she said something like “you damn college kids should take responsibility, this is your fault that he passed out. You and your damn college parties.” I was pretty insulted, pointed out to her that this was a rash generalization and that I had been inside doing homework at the time that he was drinking. And then I pushed it- told her that if she would prefer I not use rash generalizations about cops that she should not use them with me. She started threatening to take me in- which I pointed out that, by law, she could not do. She then referred to me as hippie girl- I guess because my hair was messy-curly, I had ripped jeans and a tank top on, and she pointed to a bumper sticker on my jeep that said “war is not the answer”. Started ranting about how her uncle was over there, how I was disrespecting the soldier and the president, that I had no idea what was even going on politically. I said that she had every right to her own opinion but not to insult me because of mine. She walked away and another cop walked over- I flirted with him a bit and within a minute had him move his car while the other cop glared on.

Had a great night sitting around drinking mojitos and beer with Nat and Lars. We grabbed the trashcan out of their roomate’s room and started a mini bonfire in it. Nat went inside for awhile and I sat talking with Lars, which was really nice. Been sort of worried about him since he left the college, he just seems out of sorts. Was a really relaxing evening though.

Parents are coming down for lunch today, then I might be seeing a movie tonight with that guy.

That boy came over the other night! I was working in the thesis when he sent me a message asking what I was up to. Told him that I was in the labs working, that I was having trouble with data because some of it didn’t match up (someone had used two different identifying numbers, could only figure it out by matching handwriting). He ended up coming over just to help me sort it out… then stayed. Sat down at the computer next to me in the labs and did homework. We ended up not working at all, instead looking at videos online.

Afterwards he asked if I wanted to go grab dinner- I had forgotten to eat all day while stuck in here, so we headed over to the chinese place for takeout. It was closed, so instead we went to the grocery store and got food to cook tacos. Spent the next few hours back at my place cooking and watching a movie. He fed me chips, I fed Willa chips. We we having a good time… until his girlfriend started calling. I think he felt guilty- said something about how she would kill us both- so I drove him back home.

He messaged me later saying we should celebrate my results for my thesis.

Then I got home this morning (was in the labs from 9pm to 3am…) and found a bouquet of flowers (probably picked from peoples’ gardens) sitting outside the door of my apartment.

I’ve been pretty much living in the labs this past week finishing up my thesis. It’s due on Wednesday, so I’ve been in a mad rush to finish data analysis and throw together some charts.APA style is terribly particular about every single detail, so I’ve been ravaging over every single page. I really do think it will be a great thesis- I got really strong data out of it and myadvisor had said that it was on par with most Masters theses.

On a worse note, I will not be getting that job I was really hoping for. I got my call back earlier this week after the initial interview and my recruiter was going over all of the information on my application. At one section it asks something like the following:

Have you ever done illegal drugs (and then lists some)?: Yes No

Have you ever smoked marijuana?: Yes No

If yes, when was the last time you smoked marijuana?: Yes No

I mean, of course I have before. The dumb bit is that they don’t give a spot for you to write in the latest time you had done it- it’s all on the computer so you just click one of the two options and it circles it for you. Now, don’t get me wrong on this, I still am under the maximum amount of times that is allowed to have smoked. But I smoked a year ago, and they have a three-year-clean policy. The recruiter actually sounded upset, said that I had been up near the top of the recruiting. It’s a government protection agency and they are strongly recruiting for the upcoming election. Unfortunately I will have to wait two more years for my application to reemerge in their system.

I felt so angry at so many things: myself, the policy, the government’s view of it alltogether. I didn’t really think a year ago that I could have a chance with such agencies, even though it was a dream of mine. I don’t use it so often that it would effect me- hell, studies have shown that it takes a good deal of usage to negatively effect you. A professor at my college can have posters detailing the positive effects of marijuana all over his office walls but I can’t be recruited because of what I did a year ago?

I still have my interview with the NYPD and I’m waiting to hear back from several agencies, but it still really sucks. Anyway, enough procrastinating, back to the thesis.