Am frustrated. Angry, really. Want to get PK to figure out where we are, what we are. It’s been an endless cycle for over a year and half now; him refusing to settle down and just be with me, but then getting upset and desperate when I try to move on. I love the guy, really I do. What is not to love about him? Despite the lying, sex-crazy frat-boy-ness, biologically unfit to settle with one woman-ness.
We’re on our “off” bit; last week I found out that he had been dating another girl but figure it was OK because I was dating that older man. He found out (read: I told him) about the older man, and he flipped. Was telling me that he wanted to be with me, just me. Asked me to be his girlfriend. Said he never wanted to be with another woman. Mentioned something about how his grandfather was in the hospital, that he wanted to talk about it on the phone the next day (PK hates phones, we hardly ever talk on them for longer than 20 seconds). I kept saying no, that he would regret it, that this is not how we should start a relationship. I pointed out numerous times that this is not what he really wants. He left me a bit from a letter written by his favorite author, Hunter S. Thompson, about how he wanted his girlfriend at the time to move to New York to be with them. It’s fitting; PK has asked me a few times to move to NY to be with him.
I don’t really image my future with men. I mean, I date them, I’ve been serious with a few, but I rarely ever see a future with them. I see that with PK- I see us living in an apartment in New York, him working in publishing and me for some FBI-type career. I see us having bookshelves full of our books, pieces of art we bought on the street and loved. I see weekend walks to the dog park with Willa, and me baking my macaroni and cheese with vegetables for when he gets home from work. Sunday mornings splitting the Times, going out to dinners on Fridays with friends. The thing is, I really want this with him but I don’t see him settling down in the near future.
It’s terribly confusing because I’m also interested in another guy recently. I have a class with him and he’s amazingly brilliant. He never overwhelms the conversations in class, but when he does talk his points manage to turn the entire conversation. It’s a Psychology class (of course), and even though he’s not a Psychology major he handles the information better than all of that. I am extremely attracted to intelligent men- intelligence is much higher than looks in my book. On top of that, we have a good chemistry. One of the first times we had a good conversation, he was asking about my dog. I mentioned that her name was Willa, after a somewhat feminist Midwestern writer. This was right after class, and we sort of walked and talked while leaving class. I didn’t even realize until we reached my car that he had walked completely out of his way to keep talking to me. I offered him a ride and we kept talking, and I already felt attracted to him. We were talking about feminism, feminist literature and feminist ideals when he slipped in the bit about how his girlfriend was extremely feminist. Despite this, he still sat in my car outside of his dorm for about 20 minutes talking. We have been working on the same experiments in this aforementioned class, so we had a night where we held the experiment ourselves- just us sitting there passing notes for two hours. I still have those papers tucked away in my Politics binder.
We started talking online in bits, had great conversations. Every day he walks with me out of class. One night we were both up doing homework for our class and he asks if I can cook for him. One in the morning, he comes over and I cook him pasta. I think this is where I really start to get feelings for him. I am naturally attracted to “dog” people, but while I was in the kitchen cooking he got on the floor and started wrestling with Willa. The kind of play that I only do when no one else is around. Dog people will completely understand this; it was as if I was no where near. But then he looked up at me while she was happily gnawing on his arm and he smiled. I melted.
The next night we were again talking and he asked if he could come over. I told him sure…but he didn’t. Not sure why. A few days later he asked if we could cuddle, which in itself is strange. I reminded him of his girlfriend, he said that was over, and I said sure. But again he backed out, saying he was too much of a wuss. Made strange excuses about how my room would be too hot, that Willa would get between us. A few nights later his band had a local show, and he expressed disappointment that I wasn’t there. Asked me to come to another. A few nights after that he got drunk and was really hitting on me- no other way to take it. I didn’t go to the second show either, but ran into him in town while walking Willa a few hours before. He started acting strangely, so I left it at that. I tried to talk to him about the fact that he was suddenly acting strange, he pulled himself together for a bit but then mentioned that his girlfriend was coming up, for what he referred to as “discussions”. Is it weird that I hope it is ending? I mean, not even for me, but just because he seems unhappy with her. He’s great, really. I feel as though there are a million women who would not take him for granted. I hate this girl that he is with just for making him unhappy. Part of me really wants to think that he is actually interested in me too- he has told me twice in the past week that I looked beautiful in class. That means he’s attracted to me, right?
God, then there’s the older guy in all of this. I kissed a guy who happens to be somewhat famous, am not sure what to do about that. We email occasionally, and he’s insinuated that he wants to see me this summer. He’s quite a bit older- more than twice my age- and is also a political figure. It could obviously never be more than a fling due to his political standing, and I don’t think I want to be just a young fling. I want to be taken seriously, considered an equal.
Should probably consider all of this further when I haven’t had a few glasses of wine.