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Went to that bar again with Beck and some of her friends. Was having a good time and all, but still can’t unwrap my mind from PK. I love that bar, but something about that place exacerbates every memory of him.

To be honest, I’m quite miserable about him. Everything is fine when I have something occupying my attention, but when I have a few moments to think it turns to him. I know more than anything that I want to be with him.

I have this journal that I write notes in, little quotes or bits of stories or descriptions that I come across. Random, really, but I love carrying it with me. I found a bit from last summer, a quote that Ian had said to me: “If he asked you right now, would you marry him?” To which I responded, “He would never say that, he will never change. But if he did, yes, I would.”

That is probably a bad sign right there. Must try to get mind off of him.


I guess it’s obvious that I’m having an amazing time at home because my writings have become sparse. A few quick notes on the past few days:

  1. I went to a party that one of FaveDave’s friends was throwing. The people there were awesome, and I really got along with these two girls in particular. They asked me and F.D. to come to a party out in Manyunk with them later that night. We went (torrential downpour the whole drive there!) and I had a blast. Dave, on the other hand, drank a bit too much. He doesn’t remember any full memory from anything after the first party, and I ended up taking him home and going back alone to the second party with the girls. At the second party I met a guy- he was adorable, smart, fun to talk to. We had a great time talking most of the night, and I felt stupid for not giving him my number that night. I’m having lunch with those two girls later this week, and one of them is passing my number along to him. He had talked about meeting up later this week, and the girls told me later that he was talking about how he was into me.
  2. Had giant fight with parents and brother. Brother stole my sunglasses out of my car and I found them hidden in the glove compartment of his car, and rightfully got angry. When I came into the house and explained the situation, she told me that I didn’t have a reason to get angry. I stormed upstairs (again, rightfully) and he lied and said that he was “borrowing” them. They are women’s glasses. He is doing a lot of drugs lately. My mother acts oblivious. I tried to sit down and talk it out with my parents later when I had calmed down, but my mom said that I was just trying to act like a Psychologist because I had taken a few classes and was trying to analyze him. It got to a point where I told them both that I would be moving out immediately- I even considered moving in with my Oma but I would have to leave my dogs.  Things seemed a lot calmer today. It’s too bad that I will have no relationship with him in the future because of this.
  3. Saw the movie “Bug” with Ian today. It was one of the worst films I have seen in a long time. I understand that a lot of reviews are stating it as astoundingly earthbreaking, but I didn’t see it. Everyone in our theatre was laughing and the majority of people walked out. To be kind, the first half hour or so wasn’t as bad. And I also had a great time hanging out with Ian.
  4. Was out at this great bar with Becky in Old City the other night. Was having a great time, but for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about PK. I know that I won’t stop thinking about him for a long time because I’ve gone through this in the past, but I keep hoping that it is easier this time. I still feel such an intense longing for him, and I still feel like we’re going down the wrong path being apart. Like we’re supposed to be together. I want to think that he is missing me this much too, that he’s still thinking of me every day on his way to work like he said he did.

I love being home. There is nothing like the feeling of the first few days at home, especially as the stress of school is waning. I’ve spent the past two nights sleeping between my two dogs, and I’ve spent the past days out with friends.

It was sad to leave my apartment. On my first night home my family went out for dinner together at this cute Indian restaurant on the river. We had a great time talking and laughing, drinking Indian beer and eating.

I came home and went for a long walk with Becky around our town. She explained it best when she said that her friends at school never understood why she liked coming home so much, because most of them hated being home. But she said that she tried to explain it as though she had three pieces of her heart back at home, and that she wasn’t complete without those three pieces. The four of us became incredibly close, and it’s most similar to a sisterly bond.

The next day I ferverently attacked the task of organizing my house and bedroom. My family tends to love clutter (mostly thousands of books on every bookshelf possible, and my dad’s love of buying weird presents for my mom- like garden gnomes). So I spent a few hours slaving in the backyard, cleaning off the back deck and the bottom patio, mowing the lawns, weeding the gardens. Every time I get one chore finished I see another that needs to be done. I get like this every time I come home. I have this uncanny urge to clean and de-clutter things.

Then spent the evening again out walking with Becky. We talked about marriage- We both think that after almost six years that she and Justin are close to engagement. I can’t remember a time with Becks talked about marriage, but she seemed truly thrilled to be talking about rings and the church and moving into her parents’ house.

Am about to go hiking with Willa and friend Mike, then probably filling the house with healthy food (parents eat out every night, trying to convince them to let me cook at home) and then seeing a movie with the lovely Beck and Justin.

The Boy From Class messaged me last night. He (and his chartreuse-inspired confidence) told me that he liked me, that’d he’d liked me all along, but that he was incredibly shy. He said he wants something to happen between us, which I said I wanted too. I can’t help but get my hopes up, but at the same time I don’t really think anything else will happen between us. He said that he came over hoping that something would happen. When I asked him why he didn’t ever make any sort of move on me, and why he seemingly turned me down, he said that he was just really shy and that he didn’t think that I would seriously go for him. It’s so cute that it kinda makes me like him even more. I had a lot of trouble sleeping after that last night…

Spent my last day here packing. My brother and father drove down to help me pack up my apartment. I’m currently sitting on the remnants… a futon that my old roommate had left here when she moved out. It’s actually the first piece of material that was moved into our apartment, so I spent my first night in this apartment sleeping on it in the exact same place as I am now. It’s sort of scary, but I’m extremely happy to be going home.

A guy that I dated (the one who was the drama behind my split with the girls at college) popped up out of nowhere today. He messaged me without any real purpose, just sort of conversational. We did not have a good break up at all, and the last time we talked I told him never to speak with me again unless he actually had something to say, mainly because I was looking for an apology.

Went out with Nick tonight for my last night here. We drove over to a change-changer, turned all of my laundromat change into forty dollars. Then headed down to see Nat and Lars’ new place. Nat was on some bike ride with his team, so Lars, Nick and I went to one of those terrible chain restaurants to get dinner. Shared banter over mozzarella sticks and huge beers. Went back to their place to watch Beavis and Butthead and then Ace Ventura. I know, mature. Nat finally came back, but I only got to see him for about ten minutes because Nick wanted to head home.

Sort of annoyed at that. This was my last time out with those guys before moving and we had all planned on going out to the bar across the way. But Nick is still in with his girlfriend right now, so being out with me constantly isn’t helping it. Oh well, am sad to go, but am not sad to spend this last night here on a rock-hard futon on the floor of my living room.

FaveDave just sent me this email entitled “Male Versus Female Arousal” with one simple picture attachment. Nice.


(Click on the link to make it beeeegar)



I’m packing up the apartment now. Father and brother are coming down tomorrow to help me move out. Is a bit depressing, have really like living on my own with a gorgeous two bedroom apartment by the river.

Decided to get rid of some things. Took a bundle of things that PK had given me over the past two years over to the post office. As if by fate, “Stars Go Blue” was playing on the radio as they packed all of the things into a box with the mailing address to his place. Put a note in there for him, telling him good luck with everything. Hope/think/believe that this will be the last of him.

Spent a good portion of this afternoon with Nick- he has been fighting all day with his girlfriend, who I’m not so fond of- and he came over to vent. We drove around in cornfields for a bit, then came back to play with the pup in my backyard. Am planning on a visit to Nat and Lars’ new place tonight- will be the last time I see them for a long time, sadly.

Will be heading home tomorrow.

Yesterday was surprisingly fantastic. I say that because I went into it with several of the usual doubts- that I would trip, that I would have an awkward moment with PK- basically that something would go wrong in some embarrassing manner. I wore a gorgeous brown sundress with all gold jewelry- gold and amber earrings that Jenny had made for me one year and a gold wrought bracelet that my Oma had given me (made by her first boyfriend!)- and my gold Italian leather sandals.

My parents came down in the morning and my mom and dad were close to tears. My brother was even smiling quite a bit, which is unusual for him, and my Oma hobbled along with her broken foot. Nick came over too, and then we headed up to the actual ceremony.

We were lined up alphabetically in the hallway of the science buildings and stood there sweating for about an hour. I had a drunken lacross player on one side of me, who incidently was the guy who crashed into my parked car. On the other side of him was this hilarious girl (sort of the obnoxiously blatant lesbian who spoke like an old Jewish woman, if that makes sense). A couple of places down was The Boy From Class. I made eye contact with him and smiled, and he walked over to approach me. He kissed me on the cheek, then told me how much he was going to miss me, that he hoped we stayed in contact, that even with our short time knowing each other he’d come to care for me. I don’t remember what else he’d said because I happily zoned out. He then kissed me on the lips, I placed my hand on his cheek, and he walked back to his place. Very sweet.

When we were walking outside, the two lines of student shifted back and forth so that at one point I was lined up next to one of the girls that I’d been friends with. She put on this false, sing-songy voice and said “Hey!” to me, as if we’d been talking for the past four months. It might have been petty of me, but I simply rolled my eyes and kept walking.

The ceremony itself was beautiful. We came down the double-twisting staircases of the science building to the music of bagpipes, and then walked along the brick pathway. When we reached the end of the brick pathway, the two lines of students separated again onto either sides of the pathway, forming what we jokingly referred to as “the gauntlet”. The bagpipers walked through the middle of the two lines, followed by the professors, and then the line doubled up and followed through the center.

The guy next to me had hidden a bottle of champagne in the folded hood on his arm, so he loudly popped it during the president’s opening speech. We then had quite possibly the worst graduation speaker ever. The guy is apparently famous, having written several books on environmental sustainability. But he was an old man and he droned on and on for about 30 minutes. The worst part of all was the focus of the speech. He talked about how he had grown up during the Depression, but that we were the doomed generation. The entire speech negatively focused on how the majority of the world’s natural resources had been used up while we were alive and that we were basically screwed. He kept throwing random quotes into the mess, beginning and ending with two poems. At one point he said “In conclusion…” and we all started clapping, even though he didn’t end for another five minutes. One of the professors on stage fell asleep and we noticed that the camera-man’s head was against his chest.

Finally they called the names, I didn’t trip and I got quite a bit of cheering from the crowd (even heard a foghorn, though I don’t know who that was). We walked back in our lines to the end of the walkway, saw PK in the crowd though he refused to make eye contact.

Met up with family, took pictures with the Psychology faculty, took pictures with family, took pictures with friends. My aunt gave me a lovely Tiffany’s bracelet.


 We then headed over to a restaurant that my cousin works at to have a celebratory lunch. Being with the family felt great, being a college graduate felt great, having been kissed by The Boy From Class (FINALLY) felt amazing. Seeing PK and not having him say a single word to me? Terrible.

So this is it. Wish me luck!

It’s graduation weekend.

I didn’t think I would be so miserable.

PK is here and has not even tried to contact me.

Instead he is out partying with his fraternity brothers and apparently kissing girls, from what I hear. Great.

I deleted his number from my phone so that I would not angrily call.

Have also placed everything he has ever given me in a pile for him to take back.

I’m supposed to be the one out partying, right? Not him?

This is my graduation weekend.

Fuck him for making me miserable when I should be happy.

I went and got breakfast with Nick this morning at this cute restaurant down the street. The owners, a cute hippie couple that always seem high our of their minds, make the best egg and cheese breakfast sandwiches on homemade bisquits. Nick and I take them down to the water and eat them on the benches while ducks huddle close for our crumbs. We even have three favorite ducks, whom I’m named Matthias, Matilda, and Modina.

I spent the afternoon packing away, felt like it would get my mind off of PK. I opened up a bottle of red wine sometime around 12 and had had three glasses by 1. Found my old boyfriend box, the one that housed all of the letters and trinkets from the former fiance era. Decided it best that I make a fire in the backyard and burn everything. So I did. Two years I had been hanging on to those things, and it took me about fifteen minutes to build the fire and then burn all of them- the letters, the cards, the pictures of us together, the wine cork from the night we had decided to get married. It was strange because one of the things I burned, a napkin from a restaurant that we had eaten at had my handwriting on it. When I hear particularly nice things, I tend to write them down on any scrap of paper and stuff them in my pocket. This one had “The world will come through” written on it.

We had graduation practice today, which if anything made me more depressed about the situation. I don’t think anyone will really remember what we are supposed to do. The guy seated next to me actually turned to me at one point and asked if I would be offended if he peed on the ground. I asked why he didn’t just get up and walk to the bathrooms, but he said “No no, I mean at the actual graduation. I’m going to be shithoused.” Great. In strange news, the guy that from class that I had a thing for happens to be in my graduation row. Every time he passed me he’d try to get my attention by either putting his hand on my back or hitting my thigh with his cap. Am not sure how to even deal with this anymore. Friend Jason (as I talk about next) seems to think that the guy is intimidated by me, says that I am completely out of the guy’s league. I hope that he just gets his damn act together.

Afterwards I drove to meet my friend Jason for shopping and to get dinner. We ate at this pasta place where I had a giant glass of chianti and a whole wheat pasta with spinach and olives. My speech slurred after that one glass and I sadly ranted about the PK situation.

The thing is, I can’t believe that he is being such a coward. I keep twisting back and forth from feeling desensitized to the whole thing and feeling utterly miserable. He’s actually down from NYC now, probably out with his fraternity brothers, and I am at home planning on more red wine and last night’s Grey’s Anatomy while curling up with my dog. Perhaps a run in between there. Will probably write again as soon as I get good and sloshed.