PK and I are together now, officially. After a year and a half of going back and forth, dating, fighting, hating each other and loving each other. I’m not really sure how I feel, still confused. I feel extremely relieved, but I also feel an increased sense of worry. This isn’t one of those things I’m going to want to go back and forth about. This is our real shot, and if it doesn’t work out I need to walk away from everything. I mean, this is everything I wanted, right?

I was driving to pick up my friend yesterday and this song played on my cd. I put it on the cd because every time I hear it I think of this one specific moment with PK. I went up to visit him at his apartment in NY this past February. I got there on a Saturday afternoon, met his roomates, then we met up with a bunch of his friends and their friends for dinner at this Mexican restaurant downtown, I think on Park. The whole group then went out to this hookah bar, then to a sports bar. I had a lot of fun, but was tense because it felt like I wasn’t there so much as his date but just a girl that he has dated. I decided not to drink much over the course of the evening because I didn’t want to make decisions while drunk. We got back to his place and made those decisions, which I came to regret in the weeks following.

My memory comes from the morning. I woke up very early, probably around six or so, with his arms wrapped tightly around me. And I felt safe, in a way I hadn’t really felt before. I remember this specific feeling of not wanting to move at all, as though I wanted to be paralyzed right there. His window was slightly open, and the sounds from Astoria were drifting through that crack. I stayed in that exact position for several hours, listening to the combination of those sounds from the street and his breathing against my ear. Sometime near nine, a car must have pulled up to the curb below his window with the stereo playing that song. I had one of those realizations that I would always tie together this memory of not wanting to move with that song.

He woke up soon after and that moment was gone. We got bagels at the store a block down and watched tv together, but it felt changed. His arm around me just didn’t feel the same, his breathing had changed. I knew to expect another end that week and it happened.

I’m hoping that this is a real change, a real chance for us. But I think I feel this immense weight of dread because I have a gut feeling that it won’t work out.

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