I came to a strange realization today, a new emotion thrown into the swirl of them already caused by graduation. The majority of these people- the ones that I pass every day on the brick sidewalks, the ones I laugh with before classes start, the ones I see in the labs or in the library but never really talk to- I will never see again. There are some I suppose whose absence I will either not notice or miss.
I had my final exam for my Advanced Statistics class last Wednesday after my thesis defense oral presentation. I have the unfortunate luck of having had that class (along with many others, thanks to having the same major) with my ex boyfriend. Ex fiance. The one who put me through absolute hell. The one who rushed our relationship from steady flirtation in Philosophy class to expensive gifts and weekend stays at fancy hotels in D.C. and visits by plane to our hometowns. I’m not really sure if I was truly in love or if I was in love with the feeling of being with him. Regardless, he went away for a month, returned changed. Angered with me over the wrong things. Broke up with me on the day of my friend’s funeral. I will always, always remember feeling confused at my tears while reading the eulogy, not knowing if I was crying for him or for Chris.
Last Wednesday I completed my final exam quickly, printed it, and walked to hand it in. I passed by the former boyfriend at his computer, he glanced up and caught my eye. To this day I feel as if I am breathing in cold air when I see him; I returned his look with an icy glare and walked out of the room. I realized about an hour later that this is quite possibly the last time I will ever see him. I am moving on, probably to a city. He will probably marry the girl that he left me for. But I will never see him again.
This relief is twisted with a sense of sadness. Not just for him, but for every other person that I will never see for the rest of my life.