I decided today was the day to clean out all old textbooks and notebooks that were filed away neatly in my room. Afterall, what purpose does my “Advanced US History” notebook from high school serve in my future?

In my mass cleaning, I came across my notebook from History of English Literature from my sophomore year of college. The teacher was this lanky, slithery old man that was about to retire. Something about him made me uncomfortable, perhaps his penchant for focusing on the sexuality of everything we read, or perhaps the way that he wriggled his body while murmuring and moaning the words from each piece. Despite this, he also popped out these verbal gems from time to time, which I carefully recorded on the back cover of my notebook. I’m going to throw out the notebook, but I need to keep these. For posterity, etc.

“When you’re younger, you just want everything now! now! now! When you get older, all you wanna do is hang out and BOOGIE!”

“I tried marijuana three times and I giggled.”

“I can use myself as a visual aid, dammit!” -On time

“Queen Latifah, that’s hot stuff…what a woman!”

“It’s mean, it’s nasty, it’s fun as hell!”- On playing tricks to get sex

“I was very lucky that there were queerer kids in the world than I was.” -On being a loser in high school

“I came from a very faggedy neighborhood.” -On how he’d never been in a fight before

“I had girlfriends all throughout high school. I didn’t have a boyfriend until graduate school. Believe me, they didn’t work either.” -On dating

“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me.” -On Donne’s sexual allusions

“I guess it’s more that boys just wanna have fun.” -On a picture of nude Christ with two naked men

“‘Oooh! Do it again! I forgive you, sweetie!'” -His version of Christ’s words upon being whipped

“…Because they weren’t into threesomes.” -On why Satan couldn’t move into Eden with Adam and Eve

“Oh yeah, he’s talkin’ dirty to her now!” -On Adam speaking to Eve in Book 9, pre-sinful sex.

“She doesn’t know what kinds of sounds I make, or ‘essences I exhale’ in the night. You know, my sylphs let me down.” -On farting while sharing a room in Cuba, citing Rape of the Lock

“I’m 65 and you’re 19. If I can still get off on these images, so can you… OH!” -On Hopkin’s line about the lambs

“The Anglo-Saxons, they call them the windFUCKER. They just hover there and FUCK the wind.” -On falcons