My phone was beeping that I had a new message, so I dialed in to check my voicemail. Said that I had one new message, which turned out to be Steve, and one message that was about to be deleted. I listened to the message that was about to be deleted, and it pretty much knocked the wind out of my body.

It was a message from PK from over a year ago, my favorite message. We had only been dating for a few months, and were at the stage where we were starting to argue if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He was about to graduate so he said that he didn’t want it to get serious, despite the fact that we were spending the majority of our free time together. I knew I loved him at this point, so it broke my heart that he didn’t want more with me.

This was also the point where I made the Worst Decision Ever and went out with one of his best friends a few times. God, I regret it terribly. The best friend had been after me for awhile, and had the sweetness and sincerity that I had been craving from PK. On the particular night that this message is from, I was over at his best friend’s place watching a movie, and PK was drunk at a bar two blocks from my apartment. He tried to walk to my place to surprise me, and my roomate- who had never met either PK or the friend- opened the door. Having no idea who he was, she said “Oh, are you [best friend]?” I think it must have hit him then that he was going to lose me because I got the phone call then, which I ignored, and the ensuing message from him.

Hi, it’s me, I don’t know what to do. I’m at your apartment and- get this- you roommate asked if I was [best friend]. So I guess you’re with him. I don’t know what to do. I miss you. I need you. I guess what I’m trying to say is…sigh….I love you. Just give me a call, ok? I’ll be walking around town.

I didn’t come find him because I didn’t hear the message until a few days later. The roommate told me what had happened, but I shrugged it off because I didn’t expect him to care. When I first listened to the message I broke down a little- I still do every time I hear it. I guess that’s part of why I’ve kept it in my message box for over a year.

When he was sober he acted like the call had never happened. But it was the first time he had said that he loved me. The next time would be two months later, when he was again drunk. I guess the intoxication made it ok for him to say how he felt.

I hope he’s up there and thinking of me every time he drinks. I hope the drunkeness brings sadness. I hope he’s half as lonely without me as I am without him.