It’s been a long week, ridiculously long. I went camping last weekend with a bunch of guy friends- It was supposed to be five guys that I’m friends with and it ended up as twenty-four of their fraternity brothers all together. I was the only girl.

During the week I looked for jobs- I interviewed for one and then was called back for a second interview. Turns out that they lied about the whole thing and that it was a scam. Eight hours of walking around a development in my brand new heels (I had been told to come in for a second interview!) for a door-to-door sales job landed me with badly bruised and blistered feet. Not fun.

I drove down today to spend the weekend in Baltimore with my friend Jay. It was supposed to be a relaxing weekend- and it was, up until a few moments ago. We spent the afternoon shopping, then went to dinner, saw a movie, then we met up with some of his fraternity brothers out in the city. Had a great time, got back here. As a precursor, I’d been talking a lot with him about the PK stuff, about how upset I was, how I’m having a lot of trouble getting over him. He left his email open to a specific email (he’s in PK’s fraternity, so they have a fraternity-wide email list), the email documenting how many girls he was sleeping with. It was from last year, dated a few days before he told me he loved me for the first time. About how he had finally succeeded in sleeping with at least one girl from each grade.

Is this for real? Is this how men really are? I feel completely sick from everything. I want to believe that people are different, but I just can’t get past the terrible examples that I’ve had so far. I loved PK, I still love him. But I feel as though every part of my heart is ripping.

I went out with an old boyfriend earlier this week too, just to grab some drinks. He’s been living in Hawaii and Canada for the past few years so I don’t see him as much. We got to talking about relationships, the sort of staple conversation of two ex-lovers that meet after years of not speaking. He said one quote that really stuck for me: “I hate monogomy. It’s just not for me. Hell, I don’t think monogamy is for any guy- Any guy that tells you that he is monogomous is lying, he wants to fuck as many girls as he can find.”

That’s word for word.