I don’t know what happened tonight. The girls and I planned on our first night out together- all four of us- this summer. We were just going to go to a few bars in Old City. I’m never all that picky about what I wear, so I threw on a shirt, rolled shorts, and wedges. I went over to Mer’s house early, and we sat around listening to music and talking while she picked out her outfit. She always dresses to kill, so it took her a bit of time. Beck came over soon after, and we looked through old pictures and made fun of Mer dancing around the room.

But then I broke down. Everything felt wrong, I felt so upset, and it didn’t make sense seeing as how I was having a great time with my best friends. I knew I was going to have a meltdown, so I told them I felt tired and went home just as Jen got there. I think they were upset- we hardly ever have all four of us together anymore- but I didn’t want to fall apart and ruin everything. I got in my car and instantly started crying. Not the few simple tears crying, but the shoulders-shaking, heaving-because-you-can’t-breathe, stomach-wretching crying. I drove the few blocks home crying, and then sat in my car in the driveway with my head on the steering wheel. There’ve only been two times that I’ve ever cried like this, and only a handful more times that I’ve cried in general (I can count on my hands the times that I’ve cried).

I don’t understand how he makes me feel this way. I know my friends don’t get it either, and I’m fairly sure that they’re tired of hearing about it. I get the advice to just move on, but how? I don’t want to date anyone new, in part because I have no trust left and also because I don’t think I could feel for anyone what I felt for him. I am so undecided in whether I even want to move on.

And I don’t understand how it is possible for me to feel so much love for someone that has hurt me so badly, that spent two years lying to me and cheating on me, and treating me terribly.