Ian and I went for drinks last night at a bar local to his area. We spent the whole time talking (“does this mean we actually have to talk to each other?” he said, as I made him stop texting) and for quite a bit of time we talked about our good friend FaveDave. For the sake of background, FaveDave is one of the most brilliant men I have met in my life. He is an engineering major, and thankfully dumbs things down for us when he tries to explain exactly what it is that he does. We still have no idea.

Though he seems the archetype of geekiness, he has a relaxed and easy going nature. It’s true, he can be serious, but he has other sides to him. There’s the caring and devoted friend, the adventurist, the idealist. And then there’s DrunkDave, the greatest facet of his personality (kidding!). In fact, we have ultimately declared him our Favorite Drunk Person Ever, and we sat retelling some of our all time favorite DrunkDave moments. I then decided I needed a lapse from all of my mopey and pathetic posts, recounting them would be perfect!

  1. While SoberDave is probably one of the sweetest people you could meet, DrunkDave gets mean. Hilariously mean. With a penchant for involving food in his drunken dealings. My best girlfriends and I throw a cocktail party every year to which FaveDave was invited- and to which DrunkDave made an appearance. Of course the party itself became a raucous affair- Ian ended up stripping and dancing around the house, Mer tried to sleep in a utility closet, and the ever-lovable DrunkDave decided to throw quiches at Becky. She was not pleased, though he was. He fell to the floor giggling as she stormed out of the room. DrunkDave continued with the food, shaking up one of the unopened bottles of soda and opening it all over Jenny in the middle of the kitchen. The monstrosity that ensued can’t even be explained in words. Jenny grabbing glasses of water and pouring it over him, the two of them wrestling on the floor drenched in a sticky mess, DrunkDave trying to bite Jenny’s arm. The fight moved to the next room, where Jenny tried to escape up the steps with DrunkDave clinging to the back of her shirt. Unfortunately, a stray swinging arm caught him in the face and knocked him back down the stairs to the floor, where he lay unmoving. I naturally freaked, thinking that we’d have to take him to the hospital. No amount of pushing or slapping or screaming would get him to budge. And then someone, I think Ian, began tickling his foot and he cracked a smile. Jen, Ian and I somehow managed to each grab a hold of his body and drag him up the stairs, hitting his head and arms along the walls and against the doorframe. Jen and I stripped him down to his boxers and threw him into a guest bed, tucking him as he purred softly. In the morning he didn’t remember a thing.
  2. FaveDave, Mike, Ian and I went out drinking at a local college bar a few blocks from FaveDave’s place. It wasn’t even a heavy drinking night- I think I had about two beers tops. But FaveDave must have gotten sloshed because he insisted on doing karaoke. I’m a huge fan of watching, but I don’t even pretend that I have any skills in that department. Finally he rounded up some complete strangers (All moderately nerdy looking white boys) to sing “No Diggity”.  I dragged him from the stage and eventually from the bar and we left to go back to his place. We met up with his roomate ( Dan in the last post) and sat around watching tv. DrunkDave was hungry at this point and grabbed a giant tub of cheese balls. He started out eating them gently, one cheese ball at a time, and then progressed to shoving a handful of them in his mouth at a time. Cheese balls were flying everywhere in a furious rage. I pointed out to him that they were all over the floor, to which he took a handful of cheese balls and slammed his hand against my forehead and then falling over giggling in delight. Over the next half hour he repeated this many times to both Ian and I, slamming a handful of cheese balls into our foreheads and then doubling up laughing. If you think that cheese balls aren’t painful, know that Ian’s head was actually bleeding. The next morning he again didn’t remember it. He called me to apologize and said that he only understood how terrible it was when Dan actually admitted to feeling bad for me.
  3. I went to a party a while back with FaveDave that was being hosted by a bunch of people from his major. I had a breathalyzer with me, and Dave decided it would be a cool idea to compete with a girl to see who could blow a higher BAL. Brilliant, right? A few drinks after, DrunkDave was marching down the stairs with his shirt wrapped around his head, screaming that he was a ninja. This was shortly after he had been doing body shots off of a couple of the girls. He later says that this was his last complete memory, though he did have short bursts of memory after that. Of getting to the next party and hating everyone. Of loudly repeating how much he hated everyone. Of trying to mix himself another drink and instead pouring soda all over the counter. Of “escaping” the house into the pouring rain and climbing a fence somewhere. Of returning to the house wet a half hour later. I decided it was time to take him home when one of the two girls he was with came up to me saying “You won’t believe what Dave just said to me! He said ‘You may be way too hot for me, but you will never deserve a guy like me’!” The girl and I drove Dave back home from Manyunk and had to lock the doors because he insisted that he’d be ok to “walk home from here” and tried to open his door along 676. After he got back he realized that he might have locked himself out, but assured me that he would get to bed later. In the morning he called me, overwhelmed with shame and guilt. He called the girls and apologized, and the “You will never deserve a guy like me!” line has been embedded in our joke archives.

EDIT: A fourth memory from FaveDave’s graduation party/ going away party. We left his party to head to a friend’s house, where we sat drinking with a bunch of people that we had just met (Save for FaveDave’s cousin, who I’ve met before and awkwardly go to the same gym as. We’ve never actually said anything to each other, but we always stare at each other with that ‘I know that I know you from somewhere, but where?’ stare) A few of the guys decided that FaveDave needed to be thrown in the pool, so they grabbed him and picked him up- not a hard feat seeing as how FaveDave is about 115 pounds wet- and threw him over the side. FaveDave then decided the only option was to get out of the pool and strip off his shoes and dive in with his most graceful belly flop. He climbed out of the pool again, and with each proceeding jump he’d take off a layer of clothing until he was down to his boxer briefs. On his final jump, he jumped up high and pulled down his briefs to moon us mid-air.

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