I got a guy engaged at the cafe the other day.

ย Ok, not really.

These two guys walk into the cafe the other day, one of them carrying a giant eight ball and the other with a note pad and pen. They walk up to me, and the first guy shakes his eight ball, smiles, and looks at me and goes “Ok, I want to order something.” I laugh, and the second guy, who turns out to be a reporter, explains that his friend is currently part of the Fringe Festivalย and that his act is that he has no willpower. I laugh again, and explain that most men have no willpower. Apparently this guy has to basically answer every option he has by consulting his eight ball.

So we went through the paces of him placing an order: “Would you like to try our gelatto?” Shake shake shake, “yes, I would.” He ended up getting a large chocolate gelatto, and then walking back over to the register. I smiled coyly, “Would you like to order something else with that?” Shake shake shake, “yes, I would.” I keep asking if he’d like other things, and eventually he’s added a Red Bull and a scone to his order. He is not happy with me. I ring him up, and he pulls out his money to pay. “Are you going to tip me well?” I say, at this point laughing my ass off with the reporter. He sighs, shakes the eight ball, and then throws four dollars in our tip jar.

A few minutes after they’ve been sitting down the reporter comes over to me and tells me that they need more ideas on what to do for the rest of the day. I light up, because obviously I love telling men what to do. I ask if I can tell him to do two things, so the first guy consulted his eight ball. It said yes, so I immediately sprung into my ideas. My first one was that he had to go to the park a block down and find someone running. It was probably the nicest weather of the summer so there would be plenty of people out running. He then had to pace himself with that runner for fifteen minutes, running with them wherever they went. He consulted his eight ball again and groaned. Then I said that his next move would be to find a random beautiful woman, get down on one knee in front of her in the park, and propose with a heartfelt speech. I even suggest poetry or song. He half-heartedly shook his eight ball and blushed. Lastly, I asked him if he loved me. He consulted his eight ball for the last time, and he smiled at the answer. “No, I freakin’ do not like you,” he said laughing.

Four hours later the guy returned, looking sweaty and anxious. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m engaged now, and that I almost got arrested. All because of you.” Apparently the person he had been running with got aggitated and kept calling him a stalker and would run faster. He would then have to speed up to catch up. He returned sweaty and miserable to the park where he found the most beautiful woman there. “I got down on one knee, out of breath, and proposed. Fuck me, she said yes.”

He explained that I was going to have to come to the wedding, as they barely knew each other.