I wanted to give this a few days to think over, because really I didn’t know how to translate a scream into a blog post. The “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” just doesn’t get the right effect, you know?

On Saturday, the new guy and I made plans to meet up that night for dinner with his best friend. I had work until three and was going out with coworkers for a bit, but would be back to meet him after that. I told him that I’d call him when I was leaving the bar to finalize plans.

Amaretto came to pick me up from the cafe at 3 (she wasn’t working but was coming to the bar with me) and was soon joined by our boss, our manager, and the manager’s boyfriend. I changed quickly in the bathroom and we went over to the pub across the street for a cancer fundraiser.

It was hard, really hard. The fundraiser was for children with cancer and it was seriously hard to be in good spirits when there were children there with cancer. I talked to a few of them about my own experiences with it, and they all seemed to be the sweetest children. I also ended up dropping about fifty dollars (not including bar tab) on the kids.

Our boss bought our first two rounds of beers, which we sort of sloshed down. Then Amaretto and I thought it would be a good idea to head to the basement and do shots of China Whites. We had a couple of those down, and then headed back upstairs and took turns shaving the pub owner’s head.

I left the bar around 5 to head home, and then called the new guy from my train station. “How about we meet at my house at 7:30 and we’ll head over together from there?” I said sure, then showered and changed to head over. At about 7:25 I get to his house but don’t see his car. “Wait, you’re there already?” he asked, “I thought we were meeting at 8?” He was still at the gym, and there I was sitting in his driveway in my car. With his dad knocking on my window.

I ended up spending the next moderately uncomfortable half hour with his parents, talking about dogs and football (yes!) and about myself (no!). When he came home, his dad shouted “I love this girl!” to him. He scurried upstairs to shower.

We headed over to the bookstore to look for a book, then over to dinner to meet his friend. I loved the friend- the two of them had such a great bond and I love it when guys are able to express their relationships with each other. They’ve known each other since they were three, so they were pretty close. “We used to go on our man-dates alone, but I guess you’re here now,” the friend joked.

When we started driving back home everything felt weird. Changed, and I really couldn’t put my finger on what it was. He wasn’t talking, wasn’t looking over at me. Both hands gripped on the sides of the wheel. I asked him what was wrong but he shrugged it off.

When we pulled onto his street he says, “I think we need to talk about what we’re doing.” This is where I freeze, and I can feel my stomach in my throat. I don’t want to talk about what we are, I just want to be doing it. We’ve only been seeing each other for about two weeks, and being something would feel rushed. “I just don’t want to lead you on, I don’t want a relationship.” Everything flipped there. I mean, I’m not ready for a relationship yet, but I do want to see where this goes. And leading me on would be an understatement. Putting his arm around me when we’re walking, taking me out to dinners and the movies and playing golf, introducing me to his parents and his best friend. Asking me to help him study for his final that is in December? These things are misleading.

I freak out again because really, I’m not good with this stuff. PK and I had our relationship talk, sure. But it lasted for two years. We got to his house and I get out of his car. He asks me to come in but I say no and start walking back towards mine. I don’t even kiss him, and he’s still talking about how he had some relationship earlier this year that he rushed into and it turned out bad. I don’t want to hear these things, I just want to get in my car and go home.

Of course I obsessed over it all Sunday. I kept checking my phone at work to see if he called. After work I went and got Mediterranean for dinner with Jenger. I obsessed again about the entire situation, and she goes “check your phone.”

And there it is, a missed call from him. I ended up calling him back later that night and we talked about it. He said that he got freaked out that he came home to me hanging out with his parents, but I pointed out that I really had no other way to go about the situation. I got there when he told me to, I tried to stay outside, and it would have been rude for me not to talk with his parents. I also pointed out that he had asked me on all of the dates, that he insisted on paying, and that he has made all of the moves physically.

He told me that he’s really into me, but that it would mean more to him to take things a lot slower. I feel so much more relieved- I’m nowhere near ready for a relationship with him, I still am struggling over the PK bit, and I would hardly have the time for a relationship with him anyway.