Setting: My dad and I are sitting in my living room watching a Jim Gaffigan sketch. He’s on his computer playing with Google Maps (his new obsession). My mom is in the other room grading papers.

Dad: Hey! Hey! Look what I did. [jabbing his finger excitedly at the screen]  I found all of the pancake houses in America!
Me: Why would you want to look up all of the pancake houses?
Dad: Because what happens if you’re traveling across the country? You need to know where to get pancakes.
Me, to my mom: Mom, I think we need to get Dad into a home NOW.
Dad: [Perking up] Do they have pancakes there?
Mom: Tell him they only have waffles in most homes.
Dad: Shit.