Well, Jordan and I have finally made up. You might remember that he and I had a rather terrible fight in the days right before the cocktail party, and I was fairly certain that we weren’t going to end up talking again. I’ve always understood why he’s been hurt over our relationship- or better yet, over my quarter-hearted attempts at a relationship.
Last week I got a text from him saying “I’m ready to apologize if you’re ready for pasta.” I smiled and called, and four hours later we ended up at the restaurant his father owns for heaping piles of pasta. We reiterated every aspect of what we have- why he feels the way he does, why I feel the way I do, why we have so much trouble being on the same level. I don’t feel like I deserve him, and for some reason that makes me feel so unwilling to be with him. I also explained that I have this desperate fear of getting into a relationship now- I have absolutely no idea where I will be living in the next year. If I am accepted into an agency I could be placed anywhere in the world. It will already be heart-wrenching to leave everything behind, but leaving a boyfriend will make it that much worse. I’m in no state to be in a relationship.
And we’re at a good place right now. We’ve spent several evenings hanging out this past week. Tonight we went to the restaurant after closing and put his ipod on, danced around, and drank wine. It feels good to not have the intensity, but I’m not sure whether it’s fair to him.
But in a completely selfish way, it feels great to be at this spot. It’s absolutely refreshing, and has been affecting every bit of my day. I went in for a five mile run at the gym the other day, got to thinking about him, and ended up doing ten miles without even feeling tired. Childhood Friend said that means something, but then again she loves Jordan for me.
I am supposed to visit an old boyfriend and TBFC this weekend, and then will be in Atlantic City next weekend with a bunch of guy friends from college, so we’ll see how I feel about Jordan then. If I’m going to have some rash realization about how I should be with him, it had better be soon- he’s heading back to his graduate school next week.
Aside from relationships, I made a spontaneous move and decided to get short bangs. I took the picture below in and my hairdresser- lovely woman that she is- did it perfectly. Now just to get the body…