As the few and faithful remaining readers may have noticed, I’ve been M.I.A. on my blog for the past few weeks. I’ve been in the midst of trying to figure out why I haven’t had the urges to get back on here- maybe it’s the fact that I had to make a huge, possibly life-altering decision regarding the job in Iraq? Or perhaps it was that my laptop, the computer I write the majority of my posts on, crashed and burned (I’m praying to Geek Squad that it can be fixed). The thing is, I’ve had this exact feeling before. This whole, as Clink put it, inability to “get it up” for the blog.
It’s another relationship; it’s a surrogate relationship. I know, it’s very “me” to compare everything in my life to a relationship (that’s how it works around here), but hear me out on this on. When I started this blog a bit over a year ago, I was crazed with the idea. I loved it, started writing on it several times a day. I even started forgoing plans with my friends to write on it. I’m not kidding about that, I really spent a Friday night in writing instead of going to the bar.
I can remember the first time I had a fightwith my blog- a random reader left a comment about how I couldn’t keep a guy around because, in his eyes, I was a “fat slut”. I literally gasped when I read that, and even spent a few days away from the blog.
I certainly had moments of sudden disinterest in the blog as well, usually at times when a new guy popped into the picture. Those were the times I’d break away for a few days. When the guy didn’t work out, I’d lapse back into blog mode.
I’m not even sure if this makes sense at all; in my sleep-deprived, coffee-fueled mind it does. It’s just that the way I reacted towards this blog is in fact similar to the way I’d act in a relationship. For the most part, I’m usually the one to pull away, to need space, to end it. I usually get bored quickly, detach myself when things slightly go wrong. Any usual reader might not guess that, particularly because of my past with P, but it’s true. I’ve ended almost all of my relationships in that exact manner.
So I guess that when these so-called fights started raring up, I turned my back on the blog. When some random person commented “who sits around all day and looks at clothes and ugle [sic] dogs!”, I wasn’t angry. Instead I was annoyed, sick of the backlash. It felt like the old boyfriend I had who told me that I wasn’t allowed to wear certain shirts because they made me look like a whore. I didn’t need that, I don’t need that.
But this is something that I’ve worked at for over a year, a relationship that I’ve cultivated and nurtured. And when I started to receive emails asking where I was, I realized that I really missed this. It’s totally worth the few occasional comments from bitches to have my own place. And unlike real relationships, I can delete those comments the second they occur.
So I’m back to stay, for now at least. I have a lot to catch up on, but for now I need to catch up on sleep.