I think I was leaning towards hoping that the email was an apology from the night before. It, instead, was more of the same from the night before. In fact, he asked me to visit him. Offered to buy the plane tickets, pick me up from the airport.

I tried to look for the most honest way to decline- how was I supposed to make enough sense of what was going through my head? “I’m in love with a guy who couldn’t care less about me, and that has made me apathetic towards even the slight prospect of any other relationship”? For some reason, that sounds crazy on paper.

I tried to be polite and say that my schedule was too locked up with daily practices and races every weekend, knowing that he of all people should understand the lifestyle. “We’ll wait until the season ends,” he suggested.

Maybe by then I’ll have more of a grasp on all of this. The truth is, I’ve never felt like this in my entire life. Usually I’m the first one out of relationships, ready to date new people. Ian, when we were discussing it this morning, said he’d never expected me to be like this. “You’re in love,” he explained. And I’ve gotta say, this is the shittiest I’ve felt in a long time. “But what if Brad Pitt walked up to you and wanted to have sex with you for a million dollars?” he asked. I wouldn’t, metaphorically, be able to get it up for him. “You’re a fucking idiot,” Ian responded.

So for now, this girl is staying single and is not traveling to reconcile with any (adorable) ex-boyfriends. He’s great to talk to, as he’s in the same position I am post-graduation. But beyond that, I don’t feel anything.

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