Do you wanna know the best way to determine if you are a possible contender in the World’s Worst Blogger contest? It’s this:


When you can say that the majority of traffic to your site is directed from Google searches for “finger cots”, “finger condoms”, and “cocaine stash necklace” (by the way, wtf? I at least know where the finger cots reference came from).

Close runner up: Realizing that the only comments to the site have to do with enlarging my penis.

So I’ve been gone for a bit. But. BUT! I have reasoning. Don’t I always? I could blame The Plague that has hit the office, or the training of the Newbies at work (onE of which actually brought The Plague with her), or the fact that I have to train one of the Newbies on top of my already intense case load. Stupid reasons, right?

The truth is that I always get the best ideas for my blog when I’m driving, when I hear songs on the radio. And by the time I’m actually at home, I completely forget just how I’d worded it. Also? I didn’t want to be all melodramatic on here anymore. I always come back to that and I always will, but it’s so not fun to read.

And there are a plenty of other things I’ve wanted to write about in the past week.

Like the fact that I spent my Plague Day at home in bed (I slept 20 hours with this thing!) and ended up watching almost all of Seasons two and three of The Office during that (which sounds terrible, I know). The result? I am madly in love with Jim Halpert, especially in this scene:



You know the one where he finally grows the balls to tell Pam that he’s in love with her? My heart broke just a little. I think every girl wants to be the Pam to some guy’s Jim.

Other things I’ve learned this week, in no particular order:
1. Always make sure you know who you’re talking to in your office. You may be joking around about drawing some random guy in your office a tattoo for him to get, but then you’ll realize that he’s your boss’ boss’s boss’ boss. It is always bad.
2. If an ex’s best friend jokes about you sending naked pictures and then continues the “joke” over numerous messages? Bring up guns and how you love to shoot them.
3. Never, ever get to a point where you’re out at a bar with two of your best guy friends and, when some random guy hits on you, they respond with “you don’t want her, she’s basically a guy.”
4. A shopping trip to J.Crew makes everything better.
5. When your boss has a baby, don’t respond with “it’s cute”. Apparently new parents are testy about the lack of gender implications with the word “it”.
6. Make up for it by buying the Bossman a few children’s books.